Jesus Named Galaxy’s #1 Demon Slayer

Heavenly Magazine Names Jesus #1 Demon Slayer for 2,000th Year in a Row

HEAVENLY REALMS— Heavenly Magazine has just released its much-anticipated “Who’s Who of Demon Slayers” rankings for 2024, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, Jesus Christ has once again claimed the top spot—marking His 2,000th consecutive year as the undisputed GOAT (Greatest of All Time) in demon slaying.

“We’ve seen some impressive contenders over the millennia—Archangel Michael, St. George, and even Buffy the Vampire Slayer—but, come on, no one’s taking the crown from Jesus,” said Heavenly Magazine editor-in-chief, Seraphiel Wingflare, at a celestial press conference. “You don’t get crucified, descend into hell, and rise again without earning some serious points on the leaderboard.”

The Eternal Champion

The rankings, which are based on a divine algorithm that factors in the number of demons vanquished, overall cosmic influence, and style points for miraculous exorcisms, have been dominated by Jesus for two millennia straight. His legendary "Legion Incident," where He expelled a literal army of demons from a man and sent them into a herd of pigs, remains the gold standard in demon-slaying technique—a move still dissected in heavenly combat seminars.

“His technique is flawless,” commented Archangel Gabriel, an honorary judge for the rankings. “Whether it’s a one-on-one showdown or a full-scale exorcism, Jesus just brings a level of divine power and grace that’s frankly unbeatable.”

Looking Forward to the Second Coming

As the 2024 rankings circulate through the celestial realms, there’s already buzz about the next big event—the Eternal Showdown, where once again, the Prince of Peace will face off against the Prince of Darkness. Heavenly Studios, producer of the Jesus series, have titled the new season “Bible II: Jesus Isn’t Crucifixing Around,” and expectations are sky-high for the return of the reigning champion.

“After 2,000 years, the anticipation is through the roof,” said an angelic marketing rep from Heavenly Studios, the production house behind the cosmic sequel. “This time around, Jesus is coming back with a vengeance, and let’s just say, He’s not here to turn the other cheek.”

Oddsmakers, including popular celestial betting platform Angelmarket, are heavily favoring Jesus in early betting, with odds so steep that even the most devout gamblers are wondering if anyone—or anything—could possibly stand a chance. “It’s like betting on the sun rising,” commented one enthusiastic bettor. “You just know it’s going to happen.”

Previews of the series promise epic battles, divine interventions, and, of course, a few loaves-and-fishes-style plot twists. “It’s like the first one, but with even more miracles and a whole lot of righteous fury. This time Jesus is not just battling Satan but literally the entire world of Babylon,” said one celestial insider. “Trust me, you don’t want to miss it.”

So, as we gear up for the cosmic event of all cosmic events, one thing is certain: when it comes to demon slaying, Jesus Christ is still the King of Kings—and this time, He’s coming back to make sure everyone knows it. The galaxy better get ready, because Bible II is going to be one for the ages.